Introducing Devon

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Sharing my cruise

I recently took a cruise with Holland America to Hawaii. I'll be sharing some of the pictures and videos from it here.

And, I'm expecting my 6th full time child to arrive in a couple of days. I don't like having an empty house so am looking forward to getting to know a new child.

Sharing Mackie's life

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Grieving Again

Once again I'm grieving for a beautiful child. My miss M died suddenly on November 22, 2010. I loved her dearly and enjoyed every minute I had with her. She was only with me 7 months and 5 days. This time, though, I'm not completely on my own as I grieve. I have R here for 6 weeks which will help make the house not so empty. I'm waiting expectantly for whoever God chooses to give me to love.

Sharing

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Kayda's Life

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Trevor at Disney World 2008

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10 years and thoughts on grieving and carrying on

Hi! This blog was originally started as a way of handling my grief over the death of my son Trevor in December 2008. At first I added to it daily but then life started to speed up again. The grief didn't go away but I started to carry on with the new life God had for me. And that continues to this day. My loss of Trevor didn't take away the hurt of the loss of Kayda on June 23, 2000 but it sort of over took me on the the hurt scale. Having already lost one child made losing Trevor even more painful; sort of compounded it. But, on the other hand, having lost Kayda I knew it was possible to survive the loss of a child, not easy, but possible.

As I reflect about Kayda's life and remember her last days I still miss her. When I knew she would die soon I remember saying that there was nothing left for me to live for. And, after Trevor died I felt the same way. I even told God I thought it was time for him to come take me home too as there was nothing left to do with my life. Grief says strange things. I'm glad God is a patient God and didn't yell at me and tell me how horrible I was at telling Him what to do and making judgements on my future. He reminded me of the verse in Jeremiah that says "I know the plans I have for your, plans for good and not for evil" (my own paraphrase & memory of the actual verse). Well, that has certainly been the case.

Since Kayda died, I have cared for 10 children that I would not have been able to help had she lived longer. Three have been/are full time children. The others I did/am doing respite for. And, since Trevor died I'm on my 2nd full time child and have cared for 3 others for respite. Obviously God still has work for me to do. I still miss both my children. Trevor's death is still very close and painful. I'm daily reminded of the pain of his death and those first few days. But, I'm also comforted at knowing I made the right decisions at the end of his life. Keeping him alive on a ventilator wasn't the life he wanted.

And, although it may seem strange to the world in general that I've taken in another child with a life shortening condition, actually I think it's a good decision. I'm using what I've learned in caring for Kayda & Trevor to care for my new child. I know she'll be gone way too soon (anything less than 100 years is too soon) but I'm enjoying having her to care for. And, if it wasn't for Kayda I likely wouldn't have taken in M. As I was read her list of needs, all of them were ones Kayda had.

I'm even managing to go back to places I was with Trevor such as Canuck Place. I didn't go into his room (the one he was in when he died) but I was ok being there. And,I got to talk to the nurse that was with me during Trevor's last hours and was responsible for how comfortable he was. And, I even had a chance to chat with the nurse I got close to 10 years ago when Kayda died. These memories are comforting now.

In the last year I've chosen to focus on the child/children I have now who are living on anniversary days. So, in keeping with that, this week I'm taking both M & R who lived with me for nearly a year out to a movie and then for dinner. We're going to have a special day celebrating their lives in memory of Kayda.

Easter 2010

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Sammy & Barb scrapbook

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Disney World 2008 Scrapbook

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A Tribute to Kayda

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Magic of Trevor's Days

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Update

It's been forever since I've last updated my blog. Life was very busy and complicated during most of the 9 months Robin lived with me. Now I'm on my own again and am waiting for a new child to share my life with.

She is 5 and has many of the same needs Kayda had. I look forward to getting to know her.

Our Olympics experience

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Remembering Kayda

June 23, 2009 is the 9th anniversary of Kayda's death. Here are some pictures of her on her 6th Birthday and one of her playing with a toy she got for Christmas when she was 6.

I still miss my girl. And, this anniversary is made more poignant after having just lost Trevor 6 months ago. Today I was out looking for something in memory of Kayda. I usually get an angel bear but am having trouble finding them lately. But, I went in to a card store and found this statue of a boy and girl angel sitting on a bench holding hands. The boy is pointing something out to the girl. I started to cry when I saw it but knew I had to get it. I've put it on the case that has the mould of Trevor's and my hands. It's so beautiful. I can just picture them sitting and talking together.

I know the plans I have for you

I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future, not to harm you. This is a rough paraphrase of a verse that went through my head a lot in the difficult days after Trevor's death. It's been exactly 6 months since those horrible days in which I thought my world had ended. But it hasn't, nor has it ended for Trevor. He's whole and well and free. And, although I miss him terribly still my life has laughter and love in it again. This past weekend was our church family camp. Last year it happened just before the anniversary of Kayda's death and I just couldn't make myself be happy and free. I decided that I wouldn't attend camp this year even though it's a week earlier. I never dreamed camp would happen exactly 6 months after Trevor died. But, now there is R and I knew she'd enjoy it so I decided we'd go during the day. It was different from before but it was good. She did have a good time which was wonderful to see. Life has changed and right now it's good.

I still don't know what is happening with her. We're still fighting the group home idea. And now she and her mom are fighting along with me to keep her here. That's a huge change from their feelings when she first came. God has really been working in this situation. We will enjoy being together however long that may be. And, if she moves on, I know God still has good plans for my life.

Another new experience

Well, I continue to have new experiences and challenges with miss R. We've been struggling over getting her into a good routine with her bowels. It seems to be feast or famine for her going on her own. I was told to increase her senekot each day but nothing changed. Well, on Monday R asked me to put something in the garbage can that is near where she is most of the time. Lo and behold, there were 3 orange pills in the garbage!!!!!! I haven't had to deal with something like that since I caught a 5 year old daycare child hiding spoonfuls of yogurt under the toy shelves. I just commented that that was why the senekot wasn't working. I now stand over her while she takes her pills.

Life continues to be interesting with her. But it's also good. I enjoy seeing her blossom and take pride in what she does. She's planning to make a special surprise dinner for her caregiver and her boyfriend on Friday.

I still don't know how long she'll be here. The ministry is trying to put her into a medical group home for financial reasons. Another section of the ministry may fund her care here. Clearly she's better off here than in a medical setting.

Update from here

It's been ages since I posted an update here. Life is very busy with R in the house. Her care is very intense so there is little extra time each day. She is very limitted as to how much she can sit in her wheelchair each day. I try to make sure we do as much as possible together during those times. She loves to craft so we do a fair amount of that.

I'm finding that I quite enjoy having an older more alert person to care for. It's funny how after both Kayda and Trevor died I thought I knew what/who I needed or wanted. Trevor wasn't who I'd wanted but he was the exact right child for me. R wasn't who I had in mind as to who was most appropriate for me to care for either but she's exactly the perfect person for me right now.

I still expect to get C but don't know when. Right now R's care is too intense for me to care for anyone else. I've said I can't take anyone else until she no longer needs the wound vac. It's a royal pain to deal with.

There are definitely challenges that I haven't had to deal with before behaviour wise. So far God seems to give me the wisdom for each challenge when I need it. She's really very good. She just doesn't have a good sense as to what needs to be done to keep herself healthy. She's had 19 years of not having proper routines, it's going to take a long time to build them. I hope she's here long enough to build some skills in how to keep herself healthy. I don't know how long she'll be here. She and her mom have decided that it will be at least until her wound is healed-several months. We're hoping by that time they'll agree to the decompression surgery she needs and will leave her here until she's recovered from that. Perhaps then they'll realize she's better off staying here long term. Right now I'm grateful for each day she's here.

She keeps me laughing.