What God is teaching me

God seems to be putting me through very advanced courses on grief and loss. I continue to wait for a child to care for. I've told people that deep down I'd really like a much younger child. And I'd like a child with medical needs rather than behaviour needs. But as I think and pray along those lines, God seems to be saying to me "you do realize that a child like that may just die at a young age don't you" I feel like He's asking me if I'm willing to face this pain all over again. And that if I do I won't get mad at Him and feeling sorry for myself if I lose another child. As I started thinking along these lines the other night I thought of my Pastor and how he's going to get tired of doing Memorial services for my kids. But we talked last night and he sees taking children who may not live long as a ministry that God has given me. Now, I may not get the type of child I want, but I do know I will get the exact child God wants me to have. I just get the feeling that He wants me to think these things through carefully as I wait.

Immediately after Trevor died, I kept telling myself how dumb I was to take a child who I knew would die way too soon. But then I'd think of what my life would have been like without Trevor. All the fun he and I had over the years is worth every bit of pain I feel now he's gone. It's like in the Garth Brooks song "The Dance" "I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance" And maybe there's another child out there whose life needs to be filled with as much fun and love as possible in the number of days he or she is given. And, I know I won't be walking this road on my own at all, God walks every step ahead of me.

I look forward to seeing what He has in store for me.

Holding hands

I received this most precious gift today. This is the mould that was done of me holding Trevor's hand just after he died. When Kayda died at CP we'd used paint and done prints of her hands. So I said I wanted to do something similar for Trevor. The recreational therapist went off to get what we needed. When she came back in she had a cart with all kinds of stuff on it. She said she was going to do a cast of Trevor's hand and did I want to hold it. Of course I did. I had to stay still, holding his hand for about 10 minutes. It was the last time I would ever hold his hand. The plan had been for me to take it home that day but it was so cold out that the mould wasn't drying fast enough. A few days later I was told it was ready but I wasn't ready to go back to CP to get it. It was just before Christmas and we'd had a fair amount of snow so the roads weren't good. The social worker tried to get a courier company to bring it but later discovered they'd not shown up. After Christmas she tried again to get it picked up and the courier company said it was too icy and they couldn't make it to CP. So, they were fired. And she finally got to pick it up for me last week and brought it here today. She was very relieved to get it here safely as it wasn't packed very securely.

It's the most precious thing I've ever seen apart from holding his actual hand. I keep staring at it and touching it. I think I'm going to get a display case for it to protect it. I'm so grateful that this was done for me. It's captured so much detail of both our hands.

Update

I found out today I won't be getting the young man whose family I met last week. I'm ok with that. There would have been a lot of challenges with him that I was willing to take on if that's what God asked me to do but I wasn't too sure if that's what would have been best at this point in my life. I will be getting a contract to do respite until at least the end of March. I'm happy to do respite as I can help out more families. And, I don't know if I'm ready to be "mom" again right now. I continue to wait to see exactly what God has in store for me.

Who am I?/Becoming a new person

Who am I? seems to be a big question for me right now. As Trevor was my only child, I am now a childless mother. When Kayda died I told someone that I wasn't a mother any more. I quickly got told that wasn't the case. I know that now. But who am I now and what do I do and who will I be? I'm continuing to read the book Grieving the Loss of a Loved One by Kathe Wunnenberg. The section I'm on now is on surrendering. Surrendering to God allows him to shape you into what He wants you to be. "Rather than adopting the identity of widower or childless parent, we forge a new identity as encourager to our family." Being an encourager to anyone doesn't sound too likely for me at this point. I seem to be mired in grief these days. But, I need to surrender to God and let Him make me someone new. Kathe also says "God is the master refiner. He will transform you and your loss into a productive masterpiece." That statement gives me more hope than I've had.

The other night I just couldn't stop crying. I told God that maybe it was time to take me Home to Heaven. There was really nothing holding me here , nothing I needed to do. How arogant is that statement?! Me telling God that just because I don't know what to do with my life He must be finished with me? I pray frequently for a friend who seems to think that in order to be a complete person she needs a man in her life. I'm doing the same thing as her if I think that I'm not complete and whole without a child. I'm an individual God created. Yes, He created me to care for children with the most severe needs, but that's what I do, not who I am.

I've waited all week to hear from the social worker about whether the family of this young man I met want me to care for him or if I'll be doing respite. It's been hard waiting. As painful as this time is, I know God is using it to shape me for whatever it is that He wants me to do next. I'm needing to learn patience-never my strong point.

I have been "mom" to 2 beautiful children. I never expected to have such an intense relationship with either child as both were unresponsive and unaware when they came to live with me. Through love and attention God worked a miracle and made them into the happy alert people He created them to be. It's such a priveledge to have been part of something so wonderful. I don't know if God has another child for me to be "mom" to or whether he simpy wants me to work closely with families to give them the support they need. No matter what He still has plans for me and they're good ones even if I can't see them or that right now.

I'm glad that I have the assurance that "It is well with my soul" and, "nothing can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus". And those assurances bring me peace and hope as I go through these dark days of grief.

Trevor, my snuggle boy

This picture was taken about 3 months after Trevor came to live with me. It was one of the first times that he indicated that he knew that I was someone safe to get comfort from. When I first had him he didn't show any awareness of people. He was very wiggly but he was also always gentle. Right from the beginning when I was feeding him he'd touch my hand gently with one finger when he wanted more. I remember one time a month or so after he started living with me when I was picking him up from his moms. She and I were talking and he came over and leaned against me. He'd never shown any awareness of her before. I''m not sure if it was that time or another time when I picked him up but I remember when I was strapping his chair into the van that he reached out and patted me on the head.

It wasn't too many months after he came to live with me that I realized that he loved to be held and hugged. I called him my snuggle boy. He'd just melt into my arms and nestle his head against my shoulder. If I let him go too soon he'd push his head back into my shoulder. I can remember sitting on the floor of his room that first winter holding him close and telling him that God knew I needed a snuggle boy. From that time on, he loved to be held. That's what was so hard when he had the ventilator tube in, I couldn't hold him as close as he liked. And, in the end that was one of the reasons he was so relieved that it was out of his mouth. He could finally get the comfort he'd been looking for. And he got it. I had my arm around him with his head against my shoulder the whole time it took for him to go.

My Kayda had loved to be held too (she didn't at first either) but she liked to straddle my lap and have her head resting on my shoulder like you'd do with a baby. She liked to chew my shoulder. And, that's the position she was in when she died. I had been relieved that Trevor liked to be snuggled in a different way.

And, now I may be getting another child who right now is pretty unresponsive. I probably need that difference for now. But if I get him, I'll look forward to seeing if I can find a way into his world too.

Feeling more peaceful

After needing a major attitude adjustment Saturday evening I'm feeling much better today. I was able to work on scrapbooking pictures of our DW trip without crying tonight. That's a big improvement. I even managed to get through church without crying. I sat in the same place Trevor and I have always sat. I started to look at the space where his chair would have been and get teary eyed but stopped myself. I even got through singing one of the songs we'd sung at his memorial service (In Christ Alone). My friend Heather had her arm around me for that one. It was good to be back at church.

I've been reading through a devotional book by Kathe Wunnenberg called Grieving the Loss of a Loved One. Today's reading started a section on crying; I certainly know all about that these days. She included a poem she wrote which I thought was good:

There is a time and season for tears.
When your heart is full of anguish,
they begin to flow as naturally as raindrops from heaven.
There is a hidden beauty in tears, a welcome cleansing about them.
They should be shed boldly in public or in solitude.
They symbolize how much you have loved and lost.
They commemorate and celebrate your loved ones.
There is a holiness about your tears.
Each one is a prayer that only God can understand.
He created them and shed them Himself.
They are His reminder to you that your soul can have no rainbows,
if your eyes have no tears.

I met a young man yesterday who may come here either to stay or just for respite. There are a lot of things about him that remind me of Trevor. His family is coming to meet me tomorrow night. We'll see what they say. I'd be happy to take him if that's what they want but am really more inclined to want to do respite for the time being as then I can care for more kids and help more families-I'd still only have one child at a time most of the time but could help out more families over all.

Before they come I will need to tidy up Trevor's room. I haven't been able to spend any time in there since he died so it may be a challenge. One of his caregivers is coming for a visit tomorrow afternoon so she can offer moral support if needed. I won't do more than just tidy things up. There's no point in putting stuff away until I know what will be needed.

Depressing evening

I was feeling quite depressed this evening, but I was doing my Christmas cards. Not much surprise that I wouldn't be feeling great about it. When I got the cards (using the above picture) Trevor was still alive and as far as I knew was healthy. I'd written our Christmas letter by the 10th of Dec. and it was very happy and upbeat, and I said Trevor had been healthy all year. I ran out of ink before I could print very many. That's the day everything started to fall apart. So, I've had to revise the letter telling people what has happened since. Most of the people I was sending cards to already know about his death but I wanted them to have the card as it had such a nice picture. There wasn't much point in saving them until next year. It hurt a lot seeing the happy picture. I also sent most people the bulletin from his memorial service. I likely wouldn't be alive if doing this hadn't made me sad.

I sort of get a better sense of perspective when I hear about other families who have lost a child recently. There's a story in our paper about a young woman who was killed in August when a truck drove into the restaurant where she was getting food. Her family is having a terrible time both emotionally and financially. At least with Trevor's death I was there and I know where he is. And, I haven't had to cover any of the costs associated with his death.

I know that one day I'll be happy again and so will our house. I spoke with my other social worker today and she told me about a couple of "fun" kids that need respite. Tomorrow I will go meet the one child whose family is coming to meet me on Monday. Maybe by next weekend there will be a child in the house for respite. That will make all of us feel better I think.