An Easter with smiles and laughter and life

Happy Easter! Although I wasn't able to make it to church today for Easter, I was still overwhelmed with gratefulness for what Christ did for me and what today meant. I kept thinking how different Easter was than Christmas had been. There were no smiles in any of the pictures taken here on Christmas this past year. It was only 10 days after Trevor's sudden death.

Today there were constant smiles and laughter with 2 kids in the house. Z who is 15 is a funny little guy and finds joy in just about anything: as long as Elvis or the Disney sing a long songs are playing. He's just here for the weekend. R who will be 19 on Tuesday is also a constant source of laughter. She's a real tease. Even when she's upset with her circumstances she can still tease and joke. And she's a real companion. Her face lit up when she saw her Easter basket this morning. I haven't had a kid who eats to buy Easter stuff for in a long time. I went all out. I even bought stuff for C who hasn't arrived yet. It will keep-I hope it doesn't find it's way into my stomach. Although my heart aches for Trevor, life goes on here. And for me, having these children as part of my life is so important. This is what I love to do more than anything else.

It's so good to have life in this house again.

Not Lonely any more

My newest houseguest arrived on Wednesday. She's a lovely girl. It's different having someone in the house who talks and talks back. I'm really enjoying her. I was wrong in saying she has fewer care needs than Trevor or Kayda did. She actually has lots more. One thing is that she has to be moved every 2 hours to avoid further problems with her pressure sore. That's a pain for both of us. At least we were able to get the seating therapist to agree that she can use Trevor's comfy chair with the cushion from her wheelchair as an alternative position. And, the couch is also ok. At least she doesn't have to go on her bed when ever she's out of her chair. The last 2 days have been busy with various people coming to check things out. My little guy who comes for respite arrived today. Hopefully things will go smoothly over the next couple of days.

I hope to meet the other young man towards the end of this coming week. After this weekend I won't have anyone for respite for the rest of the month. That will give us time to get my new family settled. Neither can be transported in a regular seat so I won't be able to take both out at the same time-in the van anyways. R will get her power chair soon-therapist just has to approve the cushion and C can also wheel his own wheelchair short distances so walks will be possible. The bus would also be a possibility. C will be in school or a day program 5 days a week which will help.

So, I'm not lonely and am happy to have life in the house again. At first I was feeling like I was betraying Trevor by being so happy to have someone new, but it's like I've said before, Trevor's work was done, mine isn't. It appears that I'm developing a reputation as people that had never met me before were the ones who suggested I should have R. They thought we'd be a good match. I agree that we are. And, I know that if she doesn't stay long term there will always be more people needing homes.

What a week!!!!

When Trevor died, I told the social worker I wanted to be kept busy with kids. It's now been 3 1/2 months since his death and for most of that time I've been on my own. Well, that's about to end and in a big way. Last Friday I was told that I'd be getting a 19 year old boy full time and that I'd be allowed to continue to do respite for the 2 children I'd been caring for. I was very excited. This young man is more advanced cognitively than Trevor was and I am looking forward to seeing what all he and I can do. But, then, on Monday morning the social worker called me and said there was a bit of a wrinkle in our plans. When the 2 social workers got back to their office after seeing me Friday they were told that there's a young girl who needs a home right away. So...........it looks like I'm getting both. I will be meeting this young lady tomorrow and she will likely come to stay on Monday. She has spina bifida and is currently in hospital. Officially she's here for a few months but it may become permanent. On Friday I will likely be meeting the young man. I'm not sure exactly when he'll come to stay. There are a number of things we'll have to figure out. Fortunately this house has 3 bedrooms. So one will go in my room and I'll sleep in either the room used for the respite children or in the craft room. I'm going to have to get creative in where my books and clothes and such go. And do a major rearranging in both sheds outside. I'm cautious about having 2 full time with a 3rd 8-10 days a month. I will obviously need help. One thing that I have to see is if the girl can sit in a regular car seat. If not I won't have a way to transport all 3 of us at once. Hopefully I'll know that tomorrow.

I just hope I can take good care of more than one child at a time. Both have fewer care needs than Trevor or Kayda did so I think it's possible. I'm sort of hoping that the boy can wait until after Easter to come to stay as I have a child for respite for 5 days over Easter. But, it would also be nice for him to have Easter in his new home. The next week or so will be interesting. I'm glad I've had a good rest these last few months.

Three months

Well, it's been 2 days over 3 months since Trevor died. I still have trouble believing that he has. I'm currently just beginning to scrapbook the last day of his life. I've done up to the party we had in ICU the day before he died. It's going to get harder as I get towards the end but I feel the need to get these pictures taken care of. I'm now thinking ahead to doing other events in his life that haven't been done yet. It will be nice to work on happier pictures.

I still just have 2 children for respite. One is here for the 2nd time and will be back again next week. The other has just come for 1 weekend so far. He slept in Trevor's bed and room and I was fine with that, even when he made sounds like Trevor did. Both boys are a joy to have and quite different from Trevor. I continue to wait to hear of someone more long term. I'm hoping to be able to continue to do respite for a few children even after I have someone permanent. I always feel better when I have someone to take care of.

In the meantime God has given me the gift of being in touch with a young girl who I looked after when she was a baby and into childhood. I'd had no contact with her since her family moved away a number of years ago. But starting with the email I sent the family when Trevor died I've started having contact with Carly. And, since I started using facebook we've been chatting most days. She talked me in to getting a webcam and MSN messenger so now she and I can watch each other doing things. She likes to watch me sit and scrapbook. It makes me realize how little time I actually sit in one spot when there's a camera watching me. It's really been a gift to be in touch with her again.

The bed!!!!

This is a picture of the enclosed bed I was given to use with kids for respite who need it. The only problem with it was that it was delivered to me in pieces with no hardware and no instructions!!!!! Fortunately my pastor was able to give up his day off and help me get it figured out. As you can see it's solid and very heavy. It might work better against a wall but there's no way it can be moved. I hope it doesn't need to come down any time soon. This is what I was thinking of making in to a tent or fort for kids who are more alert who might sleep in it. I don't want them to think of it as a "cage".

There's a child in the house again

There's a child here for a few days. It feels so good to have him here. He's different from Trevor which is good. But he's just as sweet as Trevor was and loves to snuggle.

With the help of another child and a child I looked after many years ago I've been learning how to communicate via other methods such as Skype and MSN. It's been wonderful being able to see people as I'm talking to them.

So new life is starting here. It's slow but it's coming. I've started to scrapbook Christmas pictures which will include the end of Trevor's life. That's going to be hard but it's something I need to do.

No Regrets

Trevor's death continues to be very painful for me. I'm not having as much success blocking out the pain this week as I did last week. But, when grief threatens to overwhelm me I think about his life with me and know that I have only one regret: that was that I didn't let him get closer to the water when we were on the beach at the Gulf of Mexico. I let my fear of the water and the waves interfere with that. But, Trevor never held that against me. He was happy where he was. Other than that, there isn't one thing I wanted him to do or place I wanted him to go or event I wanted him to see that we didn't do. It would have been nice for him to meet Pete Seeger but logistically that wasn't possible and Pete may not have even wanted to meet him. But, hey, Trevor got to meet Barney in person and see a live Barney show-twice actually. At the time Barney was his favorite character.

I have the comfort of knowing that we packed as much life as possible in the 7 years and 9 months that he lived with me. And, I have the physical evidence of that life in his scrapbooks. That drives me to keep going and to finish doing all the events we have pictures for. I had skipped a lot of events over the years. I'm now done our Disney World 2008 pictures and am working on the few I had of fall 2008. Once that's done I'll start doing our Christmas pictures. That will include his end of life. I feel I have to get that out of the way and then I can go back and fill in the blanks. This way we'll never forget all that Trevor did in his short life. I'm so grateful to God that he allowed me to do all the things we did. We couldn't have done it without the friends that helped financially and physically.