10 years and thoughts on grieving and carrying on

Hi! This blog was originally started as a way of handling my grief over the death of my son Trevor in December 2008. At first I added to it daily but then life started to speed up again. The grief didn't go away but I started to carry on with the new life God had for me. And that continues to this day. My loss of Trevor didn't take away the hurt of the loss of Kayda on June 23, 2000 but it sort of over took me on the the hurt scale. Having already lost one child made losing Trevor even more painful; sort of compounded it. But, on the other hand, having lost Kayda I knew it was possible to survive the loss of a child, not easy, but possible.

As I reflect about Kayda's life and remember her last days I still miss her. When I knew she would die soon I remember saying that there was nothing left for me to live for. And, after Trevor died I felt the same way. I even told God I thought it was time for him to come take me home too as there was nothing left to do with my life. Grief says strange things. I'm glad God is a patient God and didn't yell at me and tell me how horrible I was at telling Him what to do and making judgements on my future. He reminded me of the verse in Jeremiah that says "I know the plans I have for your, plans for good and not for evil" (my own paraphrase & memory of the actual verse). Well, that has certainly been the case.

Since Kayda died, I have cared for 10 children that I would not have been able to help had she lived longer. Three have been/are full time children. The others I did/am doing respite for. And, since Trevor died I'm on my 2nd full time child and have cared for 3 others for respite. Obviously God still has work for me to do. I still miss both my children. Trevor's death is still very close and painful. I'm daily reminded of the pain of his death and those first few days. But, I'm also comforted at knowing I made the right decisions at the end of his life. Keeping him alive on a ventilator wasn't the life he wanted.

And, although it may seem strange to the world in general that I've taken in another child with a life shortening condition, actually I think it's a good decision. I'm using what I've learned in caring for Kayda & Trevor to care for my new child. I know she'll be gone way too soon (anything less than 100 years is too soon) but I'm enjoying having her to care for. And, if it wasn't for Kayda I likely wouldn't have taken in M. As I was read her list of needs, all of them were ones Kayda had.

I'm even managing to go back to places I was with Trevor such as Canuck Place. I didn't go into his room (the one he was in when he died) but I was ok being there. And,I got to talk to the nurse that was with me during Trevor's last hours and was responsible for how comfortable he was. And, I even had a chance to chat with the nurse I got close to 10 years ago when Kayda died. These memories are comforting now.

In the last year I've chosen to focus on the child/children I have now who are living on anniversary days. So, in keeping with that, this week I'm taking both M & R who lived with me for nearly a year out to a movie and then for dinner. We're going to have a special day celebrating their lives in memory of Kayda.