There's a child in the house again

There's a child here for a few days. It feels so good to have him here. He's different from Trevor which is good. But he's just as sweet as Trevor was and loves to snuggle.

With the help of another child and a child I looked after many years ago I've been learning how to communicate via other methods such as Skype and MSN. It's been wonderful being able to see people as I'm talking to them.

So new life is starting here. It's slow but it's coming. I've started to scrapbook Christmas pictures which will include the end of Trevor's life. That's going to be hard but it's something I need to do.

No Regrets

Trevor's death continues to be very painful for me. I'm not having as much success blocking out the pain this week as I did last week. But, when grief threatens to overwhelm me I think about his life with me and know that I have only one regret: that was that I didn't let him get closer to the water when we were on the beach at the Gulf of Mexico. I let my fear of the water and the waves interfere with that. But, Trevor never held that against me. He was happy where he was. Other than that, there isn't one thing I wanted him to do or place I wanted him to go or event I wanted him to see that we didn't do. It would have been nice for him to meet Pete Seeger but logistically that wasn't possible and Pete may not have even wanted to meet him. But, hey, Trevor got to meet Barney in person and see a live Barney show-twice actually. At the time Barney was his favorite character.

I have the comfort of knowing that we packed as much life as possible in the 7 years and 9 months that he lived with me. And, I have the physical evidence of that life in his scrapbooks. That drives me to keep going and to finish doing all the events we have pictures for. I had skipped a lot of events over the years. I'm now done our Disney World 2008 pictures and am working on the few I had of fall 2008. Once that's done I'll start doing our Christmas pictures. That will include his end of life. I feel I have to get that out of the way and then I can go back and fill in the blanks. This way we'll never forget all that Trevor did in his short life. I'm so grateful to God that he allowed me to do all the things we did. We couldn't have done it without the friends that helped financially and physically.

Beautiful things that happened the day Trevor died

Today it's been 2 months since Trevor died. I've tried not to think about it all week and even this morning. I couldn't help thinking "at this time that day I was ...... or he was..." But even though Dec. 15 was one of the hardest days of my life there were some beautiful things that happened:

1. the smile on Trevor's face when I told him that if he had trouble breathing after the ventilator tube came out he'd go to sleep and when he woke up Jesus would be holding him.

2. the look on his face and in his eyes when the tube came out and he realized he could move his tongue again.

3. the feeling of holding him close to me the way that had always brought him the most comfort and the way I couldn't hold him when the tube was in place.

4. the people who gave up their day to just be at Canuck Place to say goodbye to him

5. the little things people did to make it more pleasurable for Trevor, right from taking down a picture of frog which had been on the wall and clearly bothered him, to putting up some of the same sort of decorations on the wall that he had at home.

6. The music therapist coming to play her guitar while we sang "Be near me Lord Jesus I ask thee to stay....."

7. The nurse who knew that Trevor needed pain meds as soon as that need was just barely visible

8. the beautiful surroundings

9. the compassion of all we encountered that day, even from the respirologist, the ambulance attendants, the staff of Children's that came with us, right down to the fact that the lamp was turned on on the front desk at CP indicating that a child was in house dying.

10. The way no one rushed us into taking the tube out. We were given time to get ready

11. the fact that Trevor was never alone for even one minute from the time we got to Canuck Place until he was gone.

12. I had my arms around him from the time the tube came out and never took them away.

13. The way Trevor looked at me as I held him just before he fell asleep from the effects of the morphine. That was pure love and trust.

14. The signed Canucks Jersey that was left for us

15. Trevor felt no pain whatsoever.

16. The knowledge that as he took his last breath he was at that very minute free of the confines of his earthly body.

17. All those who gathered around to support me even as they were grieving themselves.

The death of someone you love is horribly painful, but there is beauty there too. And, I count myself as blessed over having been holding both of my children at the time of their deaths. I'd always prayed that I would be there when Trevor died. I knew he'd likely be too big to be holding him on my lap but I wanted to at least be in the room and preferably be touching him. I am so grateful that he didn't die on Friday while I was out of the room having a shower. Their saving him that morning gave us 3 days in which we were able to all pour out all our love onto Trevor. And it gave us that most beautiful party that we had Sunday afternoon. It didn't matter to people that Trevor was dying and wouldn't use his gifts, what was important was that he was alive then and they loved him and wanted him to have things he'd love.

I still find it hard to believe I survived Kayda's death and that I'm surviving again. But, I'm not doing it alone. I find it comforting to think that because God is with us all the time, and we know that our loved ones are with Him, therefore they are also with us.

Please Be Gentle, An After Loss Creed by Jill B. Englar

This is one of the poems I received in the mail:

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.

The sea I swim in is a lonely one and the shore seems miles away.

Waves of despair numb my soul as I struggle through each day.

My heart is heavy with sorrow. I want to shout and scream and repeatedly ask "Why?"

At times, my grief overwhelms me and I weep bitterly, so great is my loss.

Please don't turn away from me or tell me to move on with my life or I should be over it by now. I must embrace my pain before I can begin to heal.

Companion me through tears and sit with me in loving silence.

Honor where I am in my journey, not where you think I should be.

Listen patiently to my story. I may need to tell it over and over and over again.

It's how I begin to greasp the enormity of my loss.

Nurture me through weeks, months and the years ahead as I begin my life long journey.

Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.

A small flame still burns within my heart and shared memories may trigger both laughter and tears.

I need your support and understanding. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

I must find my own path.

Please will you walk beside me?

New strategy in grieving

I've discovered that it works better just not to think about anything that might cause pain. If I see something that reminds me of Trevor or the empty house, I just refuse to go there. I do much better if I just keep on going without thinking. I'm making progress on completing scrapbooking the pictures of our trip to Disney World in September. I just avoid thinking about the fact that Trevor isn't here any more. I focus on the fun we had. I managed shopping today by just avoiding areas I'd normally go to to buy things for Trevor and if I saw something that reminded me of the pain, I'd just not think about it. Otherwise the pain of his absence and the emptiness of the house is overwhelming.

And, to make things just a bit easier today I received 2 surprise packages in the mail. One was from someone I've never met or heard from. She found my address and name in a newsletter I get for parents who have lost a child. She sent me a whole package of poems and readings about grief. I really appreciated them. It made me realize I've stayed away from reading or listening to poems or songs about grieving as it's been too painful.

And then I came home from grocery shopping to find another package in the mailbox. It was a prayer shawl from a long time friend. It was made by someone in her church to be sent to someone who needed to be cheered up and know they were being prayed for. It was so sweet. God uses these little gestures of love to remind me I'm not alone.

I've also been chatting with a girl that I used to care for before Kayda and Trevor came to live with me. I'd had no contact with her since just after I got Trevor. Talking to her now is another reminder of how God can use people to show how much He loves us.

God knows just what I need

Today was major house cleaning day. That meant shampooing the carpets, mainly the one in what was Trevor's room. That meant I had to see all his empty stuff especially his emtpy wheelchair. I had to keep moving it out of the way. Seeing it was hard. I know it's empty because he doesn't need it any more. He's walking and free in Heaven, but he's not here and I miss him. But, just when I was feeling at my worst, I checked email and there was an email from the boy (J.) I looked after on Saturday. He was just saying hi from school. It made me laugh. God knew that I needed a silly boy in my life right now. Just like after Kayda died, God knew I needed a snuggle boy, not a snuggle girl. Even if I don't take care of J. for another couple of weeks at least I know there's a silly boy out there somewhere that I can get to know.

I phoned the social worker today and asked him to send me more kids for respite. They're probably not used to people begging to be put to work. So far the only people I know of are all boys.

Starting to live again

My last few days have had more life in them than any since Trevor died. I got a surprise email and then phone call from Trevor's bmom. We had a good talk. And, I now have talked to 2 moms who'd like me to do respite for their children-both boys. One is 12, in a power chair, deaf and at his age level cognitively. That scares me. I've had no contact with 12 year olds for many years. He's coming Saturday just for the day. He likes to go on the internet and his communication system has wireless internet so that should help. So far it looks like the weather is going to be ok so we can go out for walks. I hope he has fun here. He uses sign language which I know little of. I only know the real basic signs used with those with severe developmental delays. But he has a Dynavox so hopefully we can use that to communicate. I'd met his family many years ago when he was a baby and knew of him but have had no contact with him. It should be an interesting day.

I can't remember how old the other boy is. His needs are more familiar to me. But he's mobile when he's out of his chair and can pull himself to stand and get into things. His mom will come over and tell me what in our living room will have to be put away-I'm imagining lots. He also has a sleep disorder. Fortunately I've been told that there's an enclosed bed I can borrow so that will help him be safe at night. We don't have anything set up for respite yet. His mom is just checking me out.

And, I've been told of a 3rd boy needing respite. Apparently he's quite big but that shouldn't be a problem with our lift system. Don't any girls need respite?

I'd forgotten how much I enjoy doing respite. You can put in a lot more energy when you just have the child for short periods of time. Unfortunately at this point my contract just goes to the end of March which will be hard on the families. But I'll get as much time in with each child when I can now.

I don't know anything about the young man who may come here to live. Adult services has to decide if they can pay me what I need in order to keep this house. His needs aren't as severe as Trevor's were so they may not be able to justify that sort of expense. But it's still in the works.

All in all I'm finding more to look forward to than I have since December 10 when Trevor first got sick.

We survived today

Well, with the help of friends I made it through Trevor's bd. 4 of the people who were closest to Trevor came over. We had a really nice time visiting together. I gave each person a gift "from" Trevor. I gave them each something of his from our trip to Disney World in Sept. Noone cried.

I also learned some more about the young man I might be getting. He sounds intrigueing. He apparently has a fixation on food. He'll fit in just fine with one of my cats. The cat has figured out how to open the kitchen cupboards so I'm sure this young man will make good use of this skill-except once I put everything up on the top shelves. I know I'm crazy but I quite enjoy having someone who can get into things. I'll just have to keep him busy enough that he doesn't get bored.

Start of thinking about seeing the light in life again

Tomorrow would have been Trevor's 17th birthday. It's going to be a very difficult day. I've currently got a horrible cold so I'm hoping it's better tomorrow. I have a few friends that were closest to Trevor coming over. We'll have pizza and ice cream cake. The cake has butterflies on it and says "Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven" The sales person didn't say anything when I told her what to write and I'm hoping tomorrow that no one will say anything either.

The last week has been very difficult with lots of tears. I think some of the numbness I felt after Trevor died is wearing off and his death is becoming more real to my heart.

I got quite upset when the social worker phoned me a week ago saying that he'd had problems getting my respite contract in place and therefore I was going to have to take a full time placement as soon as possible. He said that a couple of adults who needed a full time placement had come across his desk that week. I got very upset at the thought of taking in an adult. I've always been waiting for my baby to care for. However, as the days have passed I've realized that most of my friends are now parenting adults. The sw described one young man that he thinks would be a good match for me. He uses a communication system so is more advanced than the other kids I've cared for. I've started to get intrigued by him. I told the sw to go ahead and start proceedings for me to take care of him. I need to meet him and get to know him first. I'm going to talk to the sw tomorrow or Tues and ask if I can start getting to know him while I wait for someone to do respite for. This young man had been in a long time foster home and had to be removed suddenly due to illness in the fall. He's been at a children's respite home (I met him briefly the last time Trevor went there). Although he gets good care there, there's not a lot of stimulation. So, I'm starting to think that it would be in his best interest to move to his permanent home as soon as possible.

I'm not sure how much red tape and hoops there are to jump through first. I know Adult services has to do a home study on me. But, I'm now hoping I can get him soon. Perhaps even skipping doing respite care all together. A friend had said that she didn't think he was a good match for me back when I mentioned him as a possibility just after Trevor died-she works for an adult program he's in. I'm hoping to get more info from her later today. I worry that he might not like living with an old lady like me but I'm hoping we can get along together really well and have a lot of fun together. Ápparently he's not had a lot of stimulation in the last few years, so I'm looking forward to seeing how far he can go with lots of activity and one to one care.

Of course, he's not Trevor. But Trevor doesn't need me any more. Someone else does.