Start of thinking about seeing the light in life again

Tomorrow would have been Trevor's 17th birthday. It's going to be a very difficult day. I've currently got a horrible cold so I'm hoping it's better tomorrow. I have a few friends that were closest to Trevor coming over. We'll have pizza and ice cream cake. The cake has butterflies on it and says "Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven" The sales person didn't say anything when I told her what to write and I'm hoping tomorrow that no one will say anything either.

The last week has been very difficult with lots of tears. I think some of the numbness I felt after Trevor died is wearing off and his death is becoming more real to my heart.

I got quite upset when the social worker phoned me a week ago saying that he'd had problems getting my respite contract in place and therefore I was going to have to take a full time placement as soon as possible. He said that a couple of adults who needed a full time placement had come across his desk that week. I got very upset at the thought of taking in an adult. I've always been waiting for my baby to care for. However, as the days have passed I've realized that most of my friends are now parenting adults. The sw described one young man that he thinks would be a good match for me. He uses a communication system so is more advanced than the other kids I've cared for. I've started to get intrigued by him. I told the sw to go ahead and start proceedings for me to take care of him. I need to meet him and get to know him first. I'm going to talk to the sw tomorrow or Tues and ask if I can start getting to know him while I wait for someone to do respite for. This young man had been in a long time foster home and had to be removed suddenly due to illness in the fall. He's been at a children's respite home (I met him briefly the last time Trevor went there). Although he gets good care there, there's not a lot of stimulation. So, I'm starting to think that it would be in his best interest to move to his permanent home as soon as possible.

I'm not sure how much red tape and hoops there are to jump through first. I know Adult services has to do a home study on me. But, I'm now hoping I can get him soon. Perhaps even skipping doing respite care all together. A friend had said that she didn't think he was a good match for me back when I mentioned him as a possibility just after Trevor died-she works for an adult program he's in. I'm hoping to get more info from her later today. I worry that he might not like living with an old lady like me but I'm hoping we can get along together really well and have a lot of fun together. Ápparently he's not had a lot of stimulation in the last few years, so I'm looking forward to seeing how far he can go with lots of activity and one to one care.

Of course, he's not Trevor. But Trevor doesn't need me any more. Someone else does.