Today it's been 2 months since Trevor died. I've tried not to think about it all week and even this morning. I couldn't help thinking "at this time that day I was ...... or he was..." But even though Dec. 15 was one of the hardest days of my life there were some beautiful things that happened:
1. the smile on Trevor's face when I told him that if he had trouble breathing after the ventilator tube came out he'd go to sleep and when he woke up Jesus would be holding him.
2. the look on his face and in his eyes when the tube came out and he realized he could move his tongue again.
3. the feeling of holding him close to me the way that had always brought him the most comfort and the way I couldn't hold him when the tube was in place.
4. the people who gave up their day to just be at Canuck Place to say goodbye to him
5. the little things people did to make it more pleasurable for Trevor, right from taking down a picture of frog which had been on the wall and clearly bothered him, to putting up some of the same sort of decorations on the wall that he had at home.
6. The music therapist coming to play her guitar while we sang "Be near me Lord Jesus I ask thee to stay....."
7. The nurse who knew that Trevor needed pain meds as soon as that need was just barely visible
8. the beautiful surroundings
9. the compassion of all we encountered that day, even from the respirologist, the ambulance attendants, the staff of Children's that came with us, right down to the fact that the lamp was turned on on the front desk at CP indicating that a child was in house dying.
10. The way no one rushed us into taking the tube out. We were given time to get ready
11. the fact that Trevor was never alone for even one minute from the time we got to Canuck Place until he was gone.
12. I had my arms around him from the time the tube came out and never took them away.
13. The way Trevor looked at me as I held him just before he fell asleep from the effects of the morphine. That was pure love and trust.
14. The signed Canucks Jersey that was left for us
15. Trevor felt no pain whatsoever.
16. The knowledge that as he took his last breath he was at that very minute free of the confines of his earthly body.
17. All those who gathered around to support me even as they were grieving themselves.
The death of someone you love is horribly painful, but there is beauty there too. And, I count myself as blessed over having been holding both of my children at the time of their deaths. I'd always prayed that I would be there when Trevor died. I knew he'd likely be too big to be holding him on my lap but I wanted to at least be in the room and preferably be touching him. I am so grateful that he didn't die on Friday while I was out of the room having a shower. Their saving him that morning gave us 3 days in which we were able to all pour out all our love onto Trevor. And it gave us that most beautiful party that we had Sunday afternoon. It didn't matter to people that Trevor was dying and wouldn't use his gifts, what was important was that he was alive then and they loved him and wanted him to have things he'd love.
I still find it hard to believe I survived Kayda's death and that I'm surviving again. But, I'm not doing it alone. I find it comforting to think that because God is with us all the time, and we know that our loved ones are with Him, therefore they are also with us.
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