Depressing evening

I was feeling quite depressed this evening, but I was doing my Christmas cards. Not much surprise that I wouldn't be feeling great about it. When I got the cards (using the above picture) Trevor was still alive and as far as I knew was healthy. I'd written our Christmas letter by the 10th of Dec. and it was very happy and upbeat, and I said Trevor had been healthy all year. I ran out of ink before I could print very many. That's the day everything started to fall apart. So, I've had to revise the letter telling people what has happened since. Most of the people I was sending cards to already know about his death but I wanted them to have the card as it had such a nice picture. There wasn't much point in saving them until next year. It hurt a lot seeing the happy picture. I also sent most people the bulletin from his memorial service. I likely wouldn't be alive if doing this hadn't made me sad.

I sort of get a better sense of perspective when I hear about other families who have lost a child recently. There's a story in our paper about a young woman who was killed in August when a truck drove into the restaurant where she was getting food. Her family is having a terrible time both emotionally and financially. At least with Trevor's death I was there and I know where he is. And, I haven't had to cover any of the costs associated with his death.

I know that one day I'll be happy again and so will our house. I spoke with my other social worker today and she told me about a couple of "fun" kids that need respite. Tomorrow I will go meet the one child whose family is coming to meet me on Monday. Maybe by next weekend there will be a child in the house for respite. That will make all of us feel better I think.