God seems to be putting me through very advanced courses on grief and loss. I continue to wait for a child to care for. I've told people that deep down I'd really like a much younger child. And I'd like a child with medical needs rather than behaviour needs. But as I think and pray along those lines, God seems to be saying to me "you do realize that a child like that may just die at a young age don't you" I feel like He's asking me if I'm willing to face this pain all over again. And that if I do I won't get mad at Him and feeling sorry for myself if I lose another child. As I started thinking along these lines the other night I thought of my Pastor and how he's going to get tired of doing Memorial services for my kids. But we talked last night and he sees taking children who may not live long as a ministry that God has given me. Now, I may not get the type of child I want, but I do know I will get the exact child God wants me to have. I just get the feeling that He wants me to think these things through carefully as I wait.
Immediately after Trevor died, I kept telling myself how dumb I was to take a child who I knew would die way too soon. But then I'd think of what my life would have been like without Trevor. All the fun he and I had over the years is worth every bit of pain I feel now he's gone. It's like in the Garth Brooks song "The Dance" "I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance" And maybe there's another child out there whose life needs to be filled with as much fun and love as possible in the number of days he or she is given. And, I know I won't be walking this road on my own at all, God walks every step ahead of me.
I look forward to seeing what He has in store for me.
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When I had my Goldie, I thought a second child would have to be able to walk - and I ended up with my Mog.
ReplyDeleteI thought, when I was adopting, that I would like a child with significant learning disabilities/cognitive impairment - and I ended up with my Little Fish.
And I thought, when I took on my Mog and my Little Fish, that my Goldie would be here for years ahead. And yet out of my three girls, the one who did not officially bear the "life limited" diagnosis was the one to die.
I think it is absolutely fine to wonder about the next child, to think about the type of child you might want and be able to offer a home to. But I am absolutely certain that God knows just who he has in mind for you. Just as He knows whether or when I'll have another. It's an interesting time.
Tia
Thanks for the comment Tia. Tonight I spoke with the social worker and there's problems with the respite idea so it definitely will be short term. He said there are a couple of adults who need full time care that have come across their desks this week. I had what a friend called a "hissy fit"(I called it a temper tantrum) and wasn't too happy about it-I didn't say anything to the sw of course. Now God is working on adjusting my attitude. I'm going to talk to the SW on Monday and get more info. Trevor was almost an adult but it's different when you grow up with a child. But, as I think it through tonight I'm seeing that maybe they'd like some of the things Trevor did. If they're like Trevor in that they're still really infants in every way but chronologically then perhaps it would be ok. I'm not real good at managing uncertainty.
ReplyDeleteThe exact right child will come at the exact time. All my girls and Josh were different than what I imagined and all changed so much after moving here. I will pray for peace for you in the waiting process.
ReplyDeleteGod has a plan for you, you're a wonderful, wonderful person and have been a huge source of providing wonderful lives to the many you've touched (mine, and my son's as well). Thank you for all that you do, I just stumbled upon your site?! Glad to read your journey through your current life experience...and that you're finding great strength through the pain. God Bless
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