Trevor, my snuggle boy

This picture was taken about 3 months after Trevor came to live with me. It was one of the first times that he indicated that he knew that I was someone safe to get comfort from. When I first had him he didn't show any awareness of people. He was very wiggly but he was also always gentle. Right from the beginning when I was feeding him he'd touch my hand gently with one finger when he wanted more. I remember one time a month or so after he started living with me when I was picking him up from his moms. She and I were talking and he came over and leaned against me. He'd never shown any awareness of her before. I''m not sure if it was that time or another time when I picked him up but I remember when I was strapping his chair into the van that he reached out and patted me on the head.

It wasn't too many months after he came to live with me that I realized that he loved to be held and hugged. I called him my snuggle boy. He'd just melt into my arms and nestle his head against my shoulder. If I let him go too soon he'd push his head back into my shoulder. I can remember sitting on the floor of his room that first winter holding him close and telling him that God knew I needed a snuggle boy. From that time on, he loved to be held. That's what was so hard when he had the ventilator tube in, I couldn't hold him as close as he liked. And, in the end that was one of the reasons he was so relieved that it was out of his mouth. He could finally get the comfort he'd been looking for. And he got it. I had my arm around him with his head against my shoulder the whole time it took for him to go.

My Kayda had loved to be held too (she didn't at first either) but she liked to straddle my lap and have her head resting on my shoulder like you'd do with a baby. She liked to chew my shoulder. And, that's the position she was in when she died. I had been relieved that Trevor liked to be snuggled in a different way.

And, now I may be getting another child who right now is pretty unresponsive. I probably need that difference for now. But if I get him, I'll look forward to seeing if I can find a way into his world too.