Who am I?/Becoming a new person

Who am I? seems to be a big question for me right now. As Trevor was my only child, I am now a childless mother. When Kayda died I told someone that I wasn't a mother any more. I quickly got told that wasn't the case. I know that now. But who am I now and what do I do and who will I be? I'm continuing to read the book Grieving the Loss of a Loved One by Kathe Wunnenberg. The section I'm on now is on surrendering. Surrendering to God allows him to shape you into what He wants you to be. "Rather than adopting the identity of widower or childless parent, we forge a new identity as encourager to our family." Being an encourager to anyone doesn't sound too likely for me at this point. I seem to be mired in grief these days. But, I need to surrender to God and let Him make me someone new. Kathe also says "God is the master refiner. He will transform you and your loss into a productive masterpiece." That statement gives me more hope than I've had.

The other night I just couldn't stop crying. I told God that maybe it was time to take me Home to Heaven. There was really nothing holding me here , nothing I needed to do. How arogant is that statement?! Me telling God that just because I don't know what to do with my life He must be finished with me? I pray frequently for a friend who seems to think that in order to be a complete person she needs a man in her life. I'm doing the same thing as her if I think that I'm not complete and whole without a child. I'm an individual God created. Yes, He created me to care for children with the most severe needs, but that's what I do, not who I am.

I've waited all week to hear from the social worker about whether the family of this young man I met want me to care for him or if I'll be doing respite. It's been hard waiting. As painful as this time is, I know God is using it to shape me for whatever it is that He wants me to do next. I'm needing to learn patience-never my strong point.

I have been "mom" to 2 beautiful children. I never expected to have such an intense relationship with either child as both were unresponsive and unaware when they came to live with me. Through love and attention God worked a miracle and made them into the happy alert people He created them to be. It's such a priveledge to have been part of something so wonderful. I don't know if God has another child for me to be "mom" to or whether he simpy wants me to work closely with families to give them the support they need. No matter what He still has plans for me and they're good ones even if I can't see them or that right now.

I'm glad that I have the assurance that "It is well with my soul" and, "nothing can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus". And those assurances bring me peace and hope as I go through these dark days of grief.