It hurts so much

Tonight I'm overwhelmed with the pain of missing Trevor. I'd done well all day and even felt up to doing some scrapbooking of our Disney trip. But then all of a sudden the pain hit me. It was 4 weeks ago today when Trevor ended up in the hospital and our whole world was turned upside down. I understand that his body had just had enough. It still hurts.

Trevor was such a vibrant child that you couldn't miss his presence. He was always so alert and interested in what was going on. When he was younger he was very noisy. When he graduated from grade 7 the one thing both his teachers and the principal said in introducing him was about how loud he was. During the months he was waiting for his spinal surgery he'd get loud when he was in pain. In the year and a half since his surgery he got quieter. But, you still always knew when Trevor was around. Everyone loved him because he was so happy. I know everyone who knew him misses him greatly. It's going to take a long time to adjust to his loss.

The couple of weeks before he went into the hospital he was quieter and not so happy. You could see by his face that he wasn't feeling as good. But, still after he had tylenol or some time resting on his bed his face and eyes would glow again. Once he was in the hospital and on the ventilator his eyes would look at things but they didn't glow. And, he didn't smile any more. Trevor truly lived what is said in 2 Timothy 4:7-8 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness which the Lord the Righteous Judge will award to me on that day and not only to me but also to all who have longed for His appearing."

He did all he could with the body he was given.

Along with the grief over his loss comes concerns about my financial state. Everything is very uncertain. However, I did talk with the social worker today about some options. There aren't many children waiting for placement that actually have the funding to place them. I'm going to meet one child and his family next week. He sounds much like Trevor was when he was younger. I will also likely do respite for several children. Having other children around won't replace Trevor or take away the grief but they'll at least keep me busy. Having someone else to hug and care for will help fill in the holes. It will be nice to be able to help other families out again. I used to love doing respite.

Writing things down helps to ease some of the dispair and lonliness.